Still struggling with infertility

Looking at the title you may be wondering, how is that possible when she already has a child, but contrary to your beliefs there is something called secondary infertility , a term used for when you have trouble conceiving again. I have had issues with pregnancy  before I had my son, I had three miscarriages before I carried to term. Each experience more emotionally traumatic then the first. In each of the miscarriages one thing was common, I was only pregnant for the first two months and I didn’t have any major symptoms, just a missed period, metallic taste in my mouth, and increased appetite. So, you can imagine my surprise and excitement when I got pregnant for the fourth time and experienced morning sickness ( it only lasted for three months, thank God!). My fourth pregnancy resulted in my son.

After having my son I wanted to have a two-year gap before having another baby. I got pregnant six months before my son’s third birthday. I got pregnant with twins, but unfortunately there were complications and the babies stopped growing and soon after there was no heart beat, I ended up having an emergency D&C. It was emotionally and physically a very dark time for me, I never thought after already having a child I would have to go through another failed pregnancy.

I had a mourning period to process everything and started trying to get pregnant again. Its been a struggle since then, I made multiple visits to the doctor and took so many tests and everything shows up normal. So, I took matters into my own hands and started searching for ways to get pregnant, I took over the counter fertility drugs, started buying conception kits, and purchased period tracking apps. I became obsessed with trying to get pregnant, I was constantly searching for various ways to get pregnant and spending money on Ovulation kits. In the end when I exhausted all these methods I tried artificial insemination, I had really high hopes, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to get pregnant through that process either. But, it was a wake up call for me, I was so hell-bent on trying to get pregnant I completely lost track of my work and emotionally I was exhausted. I just had to come to terms that it isn’t going to happen according to me.

Its going to be four years since my last miscarriage and I haven’t gotten pregnant since, sometimes I dwell on it but mostly I don’t think about it and try to keep myself distracted.   Just because I have a child doesn’t mean it came easy and I don’t appreciate what I have, I’m just trying to give him a sibling. It’s especially heart breaking when he vocalize that he wants to have a brother or sister, and why God won’t give him one. I try to make him and myself understand that we don’t always get what we want, and God has a better plan.


-Ramblings of a Virgo



2 thoughts on “Still struggling with infertility

  1. It’s a hard journey especially when they start to ask for a sibling. I understand how all consuming it is and I’ve been there too. I think I’m only just starting to come out the other side where I’m trying to accept this just might be our reality. Good luck to you x

    Liked by 1 person

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